August 23, 2011

Bipolar.. just except it..

ok.. today i just got a message from a friend who read my Bipolar blog.. she felt the same way and needed someone to talk to..

her case is about the same as mine.. the problem is how tough is she gonna be.. because to getaway with all pains causes this "error" it needs a long crazy ride..

when i listened about her problems, it reminds me about 2 years ago when it all began.. i was angry, betrayed, wanna kill myself or worse hurt others.. how can i survive all that? well i'm not really sure it'll have the same effects to others, but my purpose is to share my experience.. mmm, to actually tell you guys out there that you're not alone.. i have it too and i'm not rejecting it.. i embraced my bipolar as a gift.. and i'll stay neutral as far as i could.. it's something you cannot remove permanently.. you just have to know how to make peace with it in order to control it..

me too, was alone back then.. so don't worry.. and please don't tell me i cannot tell you "I know how you feel".. coz trust me, i know.. i am pretty lucky because i was surrounded by people who not really care but they took part (even a little) to help me recover.. from the psychiatrist, my boyfriend, my anonymous "room rental" (whom i runaway to back then), even my parents who actually ever thought about letting me join cooking class (costs idr 40 mill) just to get me home.. even though up until now they really never understand why her daughter all of sudden become a "hard ass" and crazy, but i appreciated their effort.. mmm, well at first i just thought they lied to me just to get me home and that's probably true.. but i have my peace now, so i don't really care about un important past.. never mind..
i seek for help (as i said before) because the psychiatrist told me to if i ever thought "death is the only way".. and i thank god for that.. he actually save my life by meeting me up with that psychiatrist.. i called my ex boyfriend, which i hated back then, just because i don't know who to talk to anymore and he was the only one who knew all my trouble with my parents...

ok, enough about old stories...

what i really wanna say is.. this thing called Bipolar, is caused by an exhaustion.. your mind ability to compensate your PAIN is over limit.. why it called Bipolar, Bi means Two.. two sides of mood.. manic or depressed.. in my opinion, caused by doing what you hate (but forced to do) over and over and over for years.. me, for example.. deal with medical school etc for the sake of my dad.. my dad was my only power to survive my depression.. every time i came home and cried my eyes out, i just think about him, then i got my powers back.. but the last two years in med school had been nothing but disappointment.. i cried for help, but he didn't listen.. i told him new stuff about medical, he didn't believe me just as if i was stupid lil' kid who just being cocky, and a lot of another kinds of underestimate stuff.. my powers source was only him, so when he dissapointed me that badly (since i was a kid so it was chronic) i snapped.. then after 7 years of shutting my mouth off, i finally came to him in one morning  and told him "Enough.. I can't do this anymore.. I am weak.. I don't have strength to carry on.." then i quit..

sorry always came by late.. there's so many thing i regret in my whole life.. but quitting med school is THE BEST DECISION i've ever made.. i never had a doubt about that one.. no more tears..
to be honest, the duration between quitting school and no more tears was not that short..  took me about almost 6 months to cope with that.. sometimes there was voices inside my head.. "do you really do the right thing?" something like that.. the "What Ifs" running around my head like crazy.. it was made my bipolar even worse, but mmm, no death thought at least.. just manic and a simple depressions.. LOL!!

over this last 2 months, instead of pitied on my "jobless" situation, i think of it as a chance to explore myself more.. rather than sitting around at home just moping the floor, i'd surfed the internet to find what i am really interested the most..

1st, i love to cook.. i thought it was my passion.. but when my mom offered me the school, i just got cold feet and runaway (again)-- means i have no guts to enter that school.. i can't stand the fact that my dad gonna spend another 40 mill for me to be disapointed again.. i was too scared to take responsible for that case.. so i said, NO.. of course my mom was happy.. because she didn't agree about me being a chef at all.. well i like being pastry chef though.. but then again i thought, if it was really my passion, i should've fight for it no matter what.. but i'm not.. so exploring more.. cooking just for fun, for me it wasn't a passion..

2nd, fashion.. god, i LOVE fashion and style.. so i bought all the books (drawing, pattern, sewing etc) then download all videos from youtube about sewing and borrowed my mom's sewing machine for my "project runway".. i spent weeks, awake till am, made few "nice but messy" dress and awesome sketches.. then it occurred to me, i can't sew.. i can imagine the clothes even draw it.. but sew? hell NO!! so, i love fashion, style, etc.. but i can't sew.. so if i wanna have my own line, i need others people help.. need lots of money.. so, not now.. it's going to be my "after making more money" passion..

3rd, makeup.. damn i like em too.. being pretty and representable means a lot to me.. it was the longest "passion" i've been exploring so far.. up until now, i mean.. but i have 1 thought in mind.. i love makeup, but i don't really like putting makeup to someone else (like makeup artist).. i just love make over-ing myself or just guided my friends about which makeup should they wear etc (more of the stylist one).. so still exploring but i didn't know how to make money from this one..

4th, last but not least.. i love taking photograph.. with any camera you name it.. and because of my "pre-wed" pictures fiesta, i needed to edit all the pictures myself.. i also love photo editing but it never officially print it out.. so, i have zero confidence about that hobby of mine.. (another "what ifs").. so when the bridal's editor and owner became stupid all of the sudden, i encourage myself to fix them.. it was once in a lifetime.. to hell with what ifs.. and it turned out AWESOME!! i can't believe it... so then, my confidence going up through the roof.. and then i said to myself.. "i think i've found my passion.. after all this years.. i wanna be fashion/wedding photographer who also edited pictures"....

so, my passion there contains --- makeup (for the models), fashion (of course!), camera, and PHOTOSHOP!!! --- it contains all the things i love.. it's perfect.. thank god!!!

that's why, now i am happy.. i risked my future, because i love my life.. i don't wanna kill myself.. i saved myself.. so can you!! get up and fight.. for your right to speak your minds, your rights to say NO, and your right to live YOUR LIFE..

you can't live your life for others.. please, love yourself first so you can love others more.. just LET GO!! forgive all people that hurts you.. start fresh.. seek for help.. talk to someone you trusts..

i can make it.. so can you...



1 comment:

  1. hei..thanks again for this post!
    U might wrote this to express ur self but for me, it's really like a confirmation letter of wut should i do!

    Thank u!
    thank u thank u!!